I'm not quite sure why I am writing this here or what I am expecting from this post. Support maybe? Or maybe a little reassurance that I am not the only one? Maybe I just needed to let it all out before I exploded into something so horribly wrong that no adult nor child deserves to see. Anyway..
I'm just at my limit, I'm at a loss for what to do, what to say, what to think. I feel I'm fighting a battle alone & although I have the ability to reach out to family - however there is few - and I have my two beautiful kidlets with me every day and my partner is always available for support - when he isn't at work - I just feel like when I need the support, when I need the reassurance, nobody is around at all, it's like at the most important times I disappear into an abyss where I cannot see anyone and nobody can see me. I have become so overwhelmed with this business, this parenting, this houses renovations - which are needed & well overdue - this same continuing loop. I was doing so fine. I found out I was expecting my daughter at 14 years old. I struggled through & made my way, I knew it was my job to give this little girl the best life I could possibly give, that her life lied in my hands. I was far from ready to be a mother but I was not prepared to give up before I tried. My little princess arrived on easter weekend of 2009.
Me (15) and Arianna (14 hours old)
I persevered, I built a house, I made that house a home, I gave up a childhood that I never got the chance to live because I pounced right into motherhood. It wasn't long before I found out I was expecting again - 8 weeks later in fact! I was having a boy, my first born son, a little prince to join my princess & I'll admit I was terrified considering I was still 15, but I was over the moon to have another mini me on the way. I didn't have a normal 16th birthday, I was pregnant so unable to consume alcohol and since most of my 'friends' bailed on me during my first pregnancy I didn't exactly have many people to even invite. On Valentines Day 2010, my little man showed his face for the very first time.
Me (16) and Jaylen (1 month old)
Since becoming a mother I have given up a lot - my education, my job, my family, my friends, my alone time, my peace, my sanity, my childhood. But in saying that I have also gained a lot - 2 amazing kidlets, my own home, independence, stronger understanding of love, long term goals, a business. As much as my kidlets make me smile & make me happy, I have lately felt at a loss at what to do, it's like time slipped from between us & they grew from little cherubs to children overnight. Some days I wish there was a way to stunt their growth, to keep them children forever, because it seems the more they grow the more distant & alone I feel. They have become so independent & so full of attitude in more ways bad than good that I just don't know quite how to get by most of the time.
Arianna (2) and Jaylen (14 months) - He snuck into her bed during an afternoon nap.
They went from playing nicely and teaching each other new tricks to yelling and fighting and back chat. Every day is a constant battle from one task to another. From fighting over one single teddy (even if there is 2 identical teddies), to stealing one anothers' food, to bashing each other over small things like where one of them may be sitting or standing - I'm just lost & confused & upset. Arianna is now 3.5 years old, she never had the 'terrible twos' phase, she was a wonderful child, and I feel awful as a mother to now feel conflicted when it comes to choosing to call her wonderful or horrendous, because some days I just get so lost in all this built up anger caused by misbehavior that I really don't know what I think of her. It hurts more than anything I could even word to hear such a beautiful little girl, my own daughter scream at me and tell me to 'shut up' or yell no as she slams her bedroom door. I'm not sure what little demon has possessed my darling little daughter but I just wish it would find somewhere else to live because it has overstayed it's welcome. Her horrible attitude is rubbing off on Jaylen, he is now 2.5 years old, everything for him is lead by example so this god awful behavior is just starting to show in him & I'm truly terrified of what may become in the near future.
Arianna (3) and Jaylen (2) ready to feed the ducks.
They truly are wonderful children & as a mother & a normal human being I love them beyond comprehension. They are so unique in their own way & so wonderfully talented & smart. I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I never get me-time unless they are asleep at night, I never get the chance to have a breather, My nights are spent crying out the anger so that I don't ruin their days with my emotions. I am now 18 years old, I have no friends, no social life, no family support - what I have is my kidlets, my partner & my house, in a state where I know 2 people in total, where nobody offers support or acceptance because they are too busy in their own lives to give a damn about anyone else. I try my hardest to give my children the life I never had. I never had a bond with my parents so I try my best to build a bond stronger than cement between me & them.
Jaylen (2), Arianna (3) & me (18) having a silly photo shoot.
I'm just feeling like I'm slipping, like the bond I thought I was building I have actually been tearing away all along. Nothing can come between them, they are joined at the hip and every time I see them hugging or holding hands it takes every ounce of strength I have to not break down into tears because no matter how awful & naughty they have been through out the day, no matter how out of control I feel, it's the little things like that which remind me they are only children, they are my children & I cannot stay mad at them forever & they won't ever truly disappoint me no matter how upset their actions make me. Being a teenage mother of 2 without support is a hard job & I would never advise it but I would also never trade it for the world. I am not seeking sympathy by posting this, simply just needed a vent, somewhere to let off steam, and a lot of confusion, pain, anger, hurt & empathy. So if you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read a summary of my current battle & how lonesome yet rewarding it is.